Warhammer 02k
by R-Alex-J
Summary: Following a discussion on Quora over how an Imperial Fleet would react to reaching Earth 2018 , I mentioned an old fanfic. By popular demand (2 people and someone agreeing to let me credit them), I've typed this brand-new version up. Chaos & the Imperium clashes in London to find the Orb of Power. What's the bigger threat however- each other or the tourist attractions of London?
1. Chapter 1

"Suspect bikers are moving left."

"Papa Golf 324, we have a visual. The lead one is about 8ft tall and is carrying a pistol. It appears to be glowing."

"Roger. This is the suspect. Suspect is in blue armour with a gold crescent moon and a star. The suspect is now entering Haymarket."

"Papa Golf 324, the other biker, the red one with horns, is now heading to Pall Mall East and is going right across the pedestrian area by the National Gallery. I think we can add endangering the lives of everyone in Trafalgar Square to the list."

The police chase that started in the green fields of Regent's Park, London, United Kingdom, Earth had gone on for 5 minutes now, and the Metropolitan Police motorcyclist were beginning to think that they may never catch up. Their bikes could reach 157 mph, but the bikes ridden by the giants topped that. This chase was happening in a 20 mph area full of tourists. Further, the blue biker who fired the pistol at the red one had jumped countless red signals, and, of course, he'd discharged a firearm in public.

"Roger. My copilot is a gamer. She's said that these bikers seem familiar. Red suspect has driven through hundreds of pedestrians and is now in the Strand. We have a van with a stinger ready by the Australian High Commission and... They've gone right past the van and the stinger has had no effect. It is now the City of London Police's business. We have informed them of the situation."

The City of London Police were now after the two bikers, but even they couldn't contain the Space Marines in the thoroughfares of the Square Mile. Tourists and citizens both jumped aside in shock as the Star Raja Tactical Marine and the Black Legion Khorne Berserker zoomed past the dome of St Paul's Cathedral. Amongst the towers of the city, including the one that can reflect sunlight so much that it melts car roofs, the Space Marines only stopped when they decided to, in front of 30 St Mary's Axe, also known as the Gherkin. The roaring servant of Khorne jumped off his bike, jumped over taxis, and rushed into the odd-shaped tower. Whatever he was planning to do, it didn't matter as the Battle-Brother gave him several bolts of plasma to the chest and head. The Star Raja destroyed the Chaos Bike, went into the Gherkin, ignored the lawyers and investment specialists, and grabbed a potted plant. He then ran back outside, got back on his vehicle, and sped off. With a flash of purple light, he was gone.

The City of London Police caught up with the Khorne Berserker. "Good morning, sir, are you aware of the speed limit on this thoroughfare?"

The red giant took out an axe with whirring blades and hissed in English, "Blood for the Blood God!"  
"Sir, you have are now threatening a police officer with an offensive weapon. You are under arrest for speeding, mounting the pavement, ignoring red signals, endangering pedestrians, and for threatening me."  
The Space Marine growled and reached down for his wrecked bike. He and vehicle also vanished.

 **[Note: The police attempting to arrest a Khorne Berzerker was the idea of Quora user Ryan Brewis.]**

* * *

That insanity was just one of many that happened ever since the Imperial Fleet emerged from the Warp to find that the Black Legion task force had travelled back to the 3rd Millennium. The data implied that the Hordes of Abaddon wanted some kind of Orb of Power that no longer existed, but existed once. Not willing to give Abaddon more chances to gain power, the Imperial Fleet contained several Regiments, a Company of the Star Raja Chapter, a Squad of Deathwatch, a Squad of Grey Knights, and detachments from the Order of the Sacred Grove and the Order of the Bloody Rose. Since they were on Terra in the past, they had to avoid doing serious damage or killing anyone to avoid paradoxes, but the main matter was finding the Orb of Power, with the psykers highlighting at least 12 locations all within the same 1600 square kilometres.

Commissar Heron of the Avrolanc Blitzkrieg was so glad that she and the oddball Priest, Ofjan, would be leaving that regiment for another and that this was their last mission with them. She couldn't take their 5-star hotel lifestyle and their warcry any longer. Honestly, what does "Tally-ho" even mean? What kind of Guard regiment billets in a place with 24-hour room service, en-suite ironing, minibars, and flowers for every new guest? No, it was time to return to basics. Perhaps the Death Korps of Krieg would be more accomodating... "What are you watching?" Heron asked the priest as she returned to their shared billet- the hotel's worst room. Even that had a buffet and a turndown service, plus a beautiful view of the Golden Jubilee Bridge and the Southbank Centre.

"I'm watching what Palatine Decilu and the Grey Knights told me about," said the priest in red robes and a white bonnet. Both of them had been aware of the Grey Knights for decades. "Justicar Brothers Pyrrhus, Perseus, and Pericles were horrified when they saw what's about to start."

"Which ones are P, P, and P?"

"The Triquetra. Pyrrhus is an alpha-level who can move things with his mind, Perseus can slow and speed up molecules, and Pericles can see the future, levitate, and has empathy. The problem is that Decilu's billet in Kingston upon Thames were flicking through the TV channels on this island and found a show about three sisters who are witches and have the exact same powers. They even have the Triquetra logo the Justicars have, but they're called the Charmed Ones."

Intrigued at yet another coincidence, Heron sat down to watch _Charmed_ on 4Music. Whatever it was meant to be, the Bloody Rose had a point. "Ofjan, it's not the biggest coincidence. We've already found the entire story of the Horus Heresy told in a never-ending novel series and the Grey Knights found all their secrets available for everyone to read in that bookshop, Waterstones."

"I want to go home. When can we leave?"

"We leave once we've destroyed the Black Legion or until we find the Orb of Power first. Why were the Sisters watching this anyway?"

Ofjan's head jerked. That bonnet was massive and had been used by her slavemasters to restrict her vision and to stop others looking at her properly. "They've been watching _Charmed_ , _Buffy_ , and _Angel_ because they have strong women and, in three words, Leo, Spike, Angel. They've even started watching a series about the other side of this planet, a quiet cul-de-sac where weddings explode and hospital staff conspire. The only upside is that they are still deadly fighters."

Heron was about to reply when a man dressed in leather materialised on the TV screen. One of the witch-sisters waved her hand and he exploded. Then Heron tried to speak but her vox beeped. "Heron."

"Heron, Inquisitor Dominic. I want you and Ofjan to head north to British Museum station on the Central Line."

Ofjan paused _Charmed_ and looked at her Tube Map. "I can't find a British Museum station. Oh, wait- no, that's Bond Street."

"British Museum is disused. However, the platform is still there and that's where one of the leads go. Get in there and get out. Dominic out."

"I am not taking the Tube again!" Ofjan declared. "I am not beating up an entire stag party again!"

Heron smiled. One of the stag party had touched the priest's bottom. The priest, who had a phobia of anyone touching her intimate areas thanks to her former life, smashed his jaw, and the jaws of all six of his friends. Fortunately, the scramblers Dominic had given everyone meant that Ofjan didn't show up properly on CCTV or any device. There was no real evidence to give to the British Transport Police.

"No, we'll find the site and climb down. We'll take a gentle stroll in mufti. Get changed, get your selfie stick, and we'll watch the end of that show first. Isn't that Kurzon, the same Demon blown up earlier?"

* * *

Not so far away, on the other side of the Thames, a giant entered a brown building with a huge tower in the middle. The giant's pale skin and scars were the start of the horror all over his form. His black Power Armour also had the fleshy faces of numerous souls, some of them quietly screaming. A tattered red cloak hung off the front. In his hand was a sword and around his waist was a whip. However, he didn't harm anyone but instead went to the front desk. "Welcome to the Tate Modern," the human at the front desk said. His eyes never left the writhing faces on the behemoth's armour.

"Greetings, mortal. My name is Lucius the Eternal of the Emperor's Children. I hear that this is a repository of aesthetically pleasing... items."

"That's right, Mr Eternal. Are you by yourself?"

"I am, for now. However, though my Lord Slaanesh does not exist yet, I can still summon his friends. If I need them, they'll just appear!"

"That is excellent, sir. Would you be interested in an audio guide? They are £4.50 or £4 concession."

"What, mortal, are the conditions for concession?"

"Are you a student with valid ID, a Job Seeker with ID, disabled, or over 60?"

"I am over 10000, so I qualify."

"Are you sure, Mr Eternal? Do you have proof of age?"

Fortunately, Zahara Boneshatter of the Pink Decimators had planned for that. Lucius took out an ID card proving him a senior citizen. The Black Legion and it's co-conspirators had forged documents for every ocassion, and money it stole from unused bank accounts, for starters. Zahara said that the loyalist hyenas had done the same. "I have proof of age. Would you be interested to know I have two hearts and can spit poison?"

"That's fine, sir. Here is your audio guide. It is best to start once you have left the desk."

"Thank you, mortal."

Lucius eventually reached a painting of an egg on a rock with a flower growing out. No, that wasn't it. Or was it? Whatever the thing was, there was an imperfect reflection in the water, a crowd behind, a 4-legged beast, and a chessboard with a statue in the middle. "What is this? Ah, Salvador Dalí's _Metamorphois of Narcissus_. This was someone who fell in love with his own image, died, and came back as a flower."

The Champion of Slaanesh's ears and nose guided him to the disturbance in the atmosphere. "You are no school trip, no art snob, Imperial Fist".

The black armour of yet another giant stomped inside. On one shoulder was the Deathwatch badge and the other the black fist on a yellow field. "Heretic traitor," was the reply of Brother Ultran. "You dare to come in here? This place of beauty?"

"Yes," Lucius sneered as he advanced on the Marine. The Fist also took a few steps forward. "I dare. Why not?"

"Why not? I came in here for the reasons you did, traitor. I will not kill you, I know the rules, but I will knock you out and then ask where the scrimshaw exhibits are. I can't find any but I can find this nonsense."

Lucius slapped his overenthusiastic Daemon Whip. "Actually, it's a commentary on mythology based on metamorphosis and the characteristics, so says that caption."

"Pah! No, I don't see this. I will admit that the painting skill is excellent."

Both Space Marine and Chaos Space Marine now examined the painting together. "I've just zoomed out. If seems that the figures fade away if we look at it with a certain fixedness."

Ultran also zoomed his vision out and found that the Emperor's Child was correct. "It's a magnificent symbolism, but the Space Wolf had just been in the National Gallery and saw a painting of ambassadors. It was most stimulating and symbolic."

"What the what?" demanded the Terminator with tusks jutting from his helmet. "My Lord Lucius, kill that dog!"

Ultran suddenly threw down a grenade and the gallery filled with smoke and light. When it cleared, the Fist had gone. "Ah," Lucius said.

"Fool," the Terminator Aigza hissed. "I expect you paid money for that audio guide."

"Do you have a problem? Come on, whelp of Abaddon. Kill me!"

Aigza sighed and teleported out. So the Fist had got away. It didn't matter as Lucius had already found the possible Orb and would soon verify it. Still, he'd paid someone else's money for the audio tour and by all the Dark Gods he'd finish the tour and then spend someone else's money in the gift shop. Zahara had teleported all coins and banknotes hidden in furniture for decades to the Chaos task force, along with unused gift cards.

"Now, where's the room with a light turning on and off?"


	2. Chapter 2

In the night-black depths of the British Museum station, Ofjan and Heron dug up the rubble under the graffiti and found their efforts rewarded by finding absolutely nothing. "We could take the rubble or these spare rail parts," Heron mused.

"Let's go," Ofjan said. "You may be fine in jeans but I hate these shorts."

"Are you still going by the modesty dictates of your oppressors?"

"No, I feel cold whenever a train goes past."

"AAAAAHHHHHHHAAAHHHH!"

"Now what?" Heron asked as she took out her power sword.

A shimmering human wearing a blue & gold headdress that wouldn't look out of place on a Rubric Marine stumbled towards the Commissar & Priest with outstretched arms.

"AAAAHHHHAAAHHH!"

"Piss off," Ofjan said. She held forth her chainsword and swiped. The ghost vanished immediately.

"Anyway, Ofjan, what shall we do now? Shall we visit the British Museum itself?"

"No, I want to see the trees. I never imagined Terra with trees."

And so they were in the garden that was Russell Square. Surely nothing could go wrong here?

It didn't, but Heron & Ofjan then took a walk futher north...

"Heron, is that Flight Lieutenant Reid? Why's she here?"

In full Avrolanc Blitzkrieg Feudal uniform, Reid was an unusual figure in a place full of half-naked people. Noblewomen of Avrolanc IIIa always wore blue gowns and elaborate veils. With her were several Avrolanc soldiers in full flak armour and Palatine Decilu in the red power armour & white helmet of the Order of the BloodyRose. What was happening? Why were they congregating outside Waitrose?

In fact, several individuals from the building opposite came out before Ofjan & Heron reached the Guard. "Excuse me, you can't film here," said one. He was wearing a white shirt and black trousers. Another was wearing... was wearing a uniform almost identical to the Avrolanc Blitzkrieg.

"We weren't filming," Reid said. "Were we filming?"

"Are you with these people?" the white-shirt man asked Decilu.

"Blessed day," she replied.

"Are you involved with this?"

"We've been sent good weather."

"Reid!" Heron shouted. "What did I tell you about not filming military property?"

"Are you with these people?" asked the Avrolanc lookalike.

"Sadly. Reid, Coxan, Kalos, were any of you filming that place?"

"No, sir," said all of them.

"Why do we let you do the shopping? Ofjan?"

"Coxan was filming. All of you, return to the billet." Ofjan turned to white-shirt man and the Avrolanc lookalike. "I apologise for the behaviour of these scum, Petty Officer and Corporal. I will flog them later."

"Just don't film here, any of you weirdos."

Once away from Russell Square, the Commissar and the Priest took the offenders into the nearby hotel where the Order of the Sacred Grove was billeted. Meanwhile, Decilu headed off to Russell Square station to take the Tube back to Waterloo and then get the train to Kingston. Once the Guard was alone in one of the hotel suites, Ofjan & Heron could give them the normal treatment. "While we can't execute any of you because the hotel cleaners would be horrified," Ofjan began, "we can punish you in other ways. Reid, you are sentenced to 5 days confined to billet with only BBC Radio 2 to listen to."

The noblewoman's expression said it all.

Heron added, "Coxan and Kalos, I'd have thought better of you two. After a bad start, you were quite promising. Therefore, and we've arranged for this the moment we got here, you two will each spend half a day on Regent Street with a sign reading 'GOLF SALE'."

They too were horrified.

"Now get back to our hotel. Move!"

* * *

"Tell the Grey Knights that Waterstones, Foyles, Games Workshop, and WHSmith have not stolen their secrets, they just had a lucky guess," Dominic sighed as he adjusted the hood of his robes. "Can't anyone grasp that Earth is Terra?"

"Some can," said Captain Jho of the Star Rajas. The huge blue Terminator suit stomped around the restaurant of their hotel, which had a good view of the Thames and a bizarre white dome with orange pylons sticking out. A few of the other clientele grumbled but didn't complain.

Studying the stories in last night's _Evening Standard_ and that day's _Times_ , _Guardian_ , and _Daily Mail_ , the Inquisitor had to control his rage at how Brother Ling of the Star Rajas had attracted the attention of two police forces, everyone in the City of London with a smartphone, all of Twitter, and the newspapers. However, the recording scrambler had prevented any proper photos of either the Ling or the Khorne Berzerker, who probably had a similar device. "Twitter, giving normal people access to so much power, how foolish.I guess this is inevitable. As I said when your brothers murdered those moped muggers, I will tolerate small breaches for the good of humanity."

"The crime rate here is lower than Necromunda, Inquisitor," Brother Ultran said as he entered the room.

"Since you're here, let me ask, what were you thinking, chatting to Lucius the Eternal about art?"

"I was, uh, trying to assess what he knew."

"Hmm... Bollocks. You were clearly a moronic, brain-dead oaf. How did you get into such as exclusive club?"

Before this got any worse, Jho asked, "Where are we going today?"

"I'm using the discount from the Visitor Oyster Card and try out the London Helicopter. I'm sorry to say that Space Marines are too big for the ride."

The Marines shrugged and said nothing more, so gave Jho the newspapers and left. While Space Marines may or may not have been too big, an average Sister of Battle was fine, so he planned for two members of the Order of the Sacred Grove to join him. It only cost him £2000 of other people's money. The other people in question were amongst those whose bank accounts were dormant for 15 years. Since the UK government was plundering the government, why shouldn't the armies of the righteious do the same? Of course, that still required getting to the heliport first. With the tour scheduled for 13:00, any sensible person starting out at 09:00 would take the Tube directly. Instead, Dominic chose an elaborate route across the Isle of Dogs, the City of London, and London Waterloo just so he could try out the Docklands Light Railway. There are always fussy people.

Once aboard the driverless train, Dominic saw that both front seats were taken. Pulling out his Inquisition Rosette, he said, "Step out of the seat."

The women in a pink hijab with green spots stared at him with raised eyebrows.

Realising that nobody had any respect for the Inquisition because the Inquisition didn't exist yet, Dominic sighed and sat further back.

While he waited for the train to start, he saw a blond woman reading the _Metro_ smile at him. He smiled back but realised the woman had the golden Mark of Khorne tattooed on her neck and her right forearm. A quick scan showed she carried a chainaxe and a bolt pistol.

There was no doubt about it, she was a Pink Decimator Khorne Berzerker. Normally wearing perverted copies of Adepta Sororitas power armour, this cult was the fiercest non-Space Marine Chaos Renegade army around. The question is what she was doing on the train. The DLR went to Canary Wharf, the City, and to the castle nearby, the Tower. She could not be allowed near Tower Bridge or indeed any major tourist attraction, but what could Dominic do when on the train?

He saw another passenger down the carriage in a red robe. The cybernetic arms jutting from his back suggested he belonged to the Mechanicus, but none of their staff had been assigned to the Docklands area. No, the 8-point star exposed the Heretek for what he was- a heretical Heretek.

"The next station is Island Gardens. On leaving the train, please remember to take all your belongings with you."

A few people got on but none got off. The Berzerker continued reading the _Metro_ , probably sampling the Rush Hour Crush, and the Dark Mechanicus filth stayed seated. Dominic saw the DLR staff member go down the carriage to take manual control while the train went under the Thames.

The Heretek pointed a steel finger at the front and the train started speeding up. Dominic saw the driver rush forward and unlock the forward panel, but nothing worked. No controls responded. It was obvious- the Black Legion had seized control of part of Transport for London. Granted, it was one train only but Dominic decided to stop the heretics from getting further ideas. "You, cyborg, stop hacking the train!"

"Well spotted, fleshy one," buzzed the creature. "Stop me."

"Are you hijacking us?" asked the driver. He, hijab-woman, and the family with toddlers were open-mouthed with horror.

"This train is now under the service of Abaddon," the Berzerker announced. "We are going to Bank."

"We were already going to Bank."

"Not this fast. Full speed!"

"Full speed, Kojun. Inquisitor, meet Kojun Neckslicer, my friend."

"I'm calling the police," said the DLR driver. "Bastards, you cut the phone signal!"

Dominic decided it was time to turn his limiter off. With a thought, the little ball in his back shut down and the whole train gasped as though everyone had farted at once and let off twelve stink bombs. That was because Dominic had allowed his blank qualities to come to the fore. As a blank, he wasn't a psyker, quite the opposite. He was immune to all but the most powerful psychic attacks and invisible to Lesser Daemons. However, around humans, he just made everyone a bit uneasy. Having thrown everyone off, he leapt off his seat and sliced the Heretek's hand off.

The cyborg grunted and raised an axe. He then dropped the axe when Dominic chopped his head off. The Inquisitor hadn't even drawn his sword yet.

"I have control again!" said the staff member. "You have some explaning to do, I-man."

"Let's sort this out now," Kojun screeched. She nearly decapitated the Inquisitor in one blow but Dominic managed to draw his power sword in time. The only thought in both combatants' heads was to kill the other.

* * *

"Can't destroy IS, can't kill backwards filth, can't kill anti-humans," Captain Jho grumbled to Brother Odoki of the Space Wolves. "Who can we kill?"

"Focus on earning a song about killing Plaguebearers on a Routemaster," the furry giant replied. "I've already done so, but how they got there is a mystery for the ages."

"How did you get on the bus?"

"I didn't." It was true- Space Marines simply could not fit onto any TfL vehicles and so had not been issued Oyster Cards. "I stopped the bus, knocked it over, and slaughtered the Neverborn. Great fortune, there were no passengers aboard!"

"What about the driver?"

"We're purifiying him now. He'll be back to serve London without any trace of Nurgle's plagues."

The two giants attracted a few stares at they walked through Knightsbridge but nobody made any comment. The Imperial task force had found that even the most extravagent costume was of no interest to a Londoner. Even the armed police outside the numerous embassies said nothing.

"Is that the Catachans?" the Star Raja asked. "What are they doing there, lah?"

"There's an argument, a dispute. They're outside a building called Harrods."

The Space Marines raced forward and covered 500 metres in 5 seconds. Several brute thugs wearing only trousers and vests were shouting at and threatening the smartly-dressed staff of the department store. "That's it, we are calling the police," said a bald civilian wearing a tie.

"THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT SOLDIERS?" a Catachan with Sergeant tatooes roared. His hand was reaching for his blade and it was at that point that the Space Marines had to intervene.

"Halt!" Odoki ordered as he jammed the phone signals. "Everybody stop! What is going on here? Why are you Guardsmen near this bazaar?"

"I asked for help," said a Sister of Battle in the green and brown power armour of the Order of the Sacred Grove. She had a red bandana wrapped around her head, just like the thugs with her. "The other Sororitas are investigating a local golf club and IKEA Croydon. Wow, trees on Terra."

"What is IKEA?" the Space Wolf demanded.

"A hardware store, massive. We had to send half our force as it's so huge."

Jho pushed several Catachans aside to reach the Harrods greeter. "Why are these soldiers refused entry?"

"They are violating the dress code. We forbid revealing clothing and tank tops."

Snorting, the Terminator Captain got just a bit closer. "Am I and the Space Wolf breaking your... dress code, lah?"

To his credit, the greeter did not flinch from the transhuman's gaze. "We ask that helmets be removed and backpacks either held in the hand or put in lockers. However, we permit helmets for religious reasons."

"I am not wearing a backpack."

"Sir, you have a large mass on your back."

"That is an atomic generator. Would you entrust something so dangerous to a mere locker that I could break into right now without breaking sweat?"

"I could break into those lockers," Sister Meldra said.

"Well, the police aren't coming," Odoki said, "but I agree with the Harrods staff. Catachans, I think you'd be better off in Oxford Street."

"May we come in?" Jho asked the doorman.

The human sighed. "At the risk of my job, you may come in."

"Sister Meldra, we're with you. We will- Chaos Squats!"

All eyes turned to the people who'd entered amidst the commotion. The Squats were a near-mythical abhuman race, with some disputing whether they ever existed at all. However, the Star Rajas knew that the small, hairy people did exist, and that the armoured creatures with beards coiled up were servants of a minor Chaos God, Hashut. Speculating that they may have just come from the Science Museum or perhaps the Victoria & Albert, Jho attacked.


	3. Chapter 3

With the Commissar in a tracksuit and the Priest in a floral dress, Ofjan & Heron had long abandoned any pretence of supervising the Imperial Guard, having carried out all their London missions by themselves. Now heading to the London Transport Museum, they passed by a group of Bloody Rose Sisters who'd just come back from Fortnum & Mason and continued into the Apple Market, a covered area selling everything except apples. Heron overheard a shopper talk on her phone about a 'customer incident on the DLR'. It seemed that a fight had broken out when someone tried to hijack a train. Dismissing the problem as irrelevant, the Commissar stopped in front of the the glass building- the London Transport Museum. Stepping through the door was easy. Actually getting a ticket...

"So what's your name?" the volunteer at the desk asked.

"Ofjan."

"Is that your surname or your forename?"

"Uh... My name's... Rogal Ofjan."

"Rogal Ofjan. This ticket is valid for one year for all galleries and temporary exhibitions. Would you like a guidebook for an extra...?"

Ofjan sighed and refused, swiping her contactless card. It was now Heron's turn. "Welcome to the London Transport Museum," said the volunteer. "How may I help you?"

"1 individual admission and I'll have the guidebook."

"What's your full name?"

"Leman Heron."

"Leman Heron. This ticket is..."

Finally inside the museum, the Commissar and the Priest found that they now had a coloured card asking them to punch holes when reaching certain points in the museum. "Just find what we need and go," Ofjan decided. "Where are we going?"

"We've already got the possible Orb, I bought it at the Apple Market. No, this is just a fun day out."

"I'd have preferred afternoon tea at the Ritz."

"Yes, I'm sure you would. Look, I've heard that this museum is now the spot of the Imperial Palace where the Bell of Lost Souls is."

"WE MUST STAY! WE MUST... How many children are in here?"

"Ask that Tzeentch cultist over there."

The Priest turned around and saw that there was someone in a blue robe with a serpent shape writhing on the front. She also tapped her forehead and thought a silent prayer when she saw the cultist had the head of a goat, fur, and horns. "Heron, is he human?"

"Believe it or not, yes. He's a mutant commonly found in forests, a Beastman. Be careful, follow me."

The devotees of the Emperor walked slowly towards the mutant. The punch card no longer mattered when the abomination was near. The Beastman, holding a staff with a human skull on top, sniffed the air and shifted around. "Humans of the corpse god!"

"Blasphemous filth," Ofjan said. "How dare you set foot amongst so many children?"

"I wait for convoy. We will feast on Imperials. We will use the magic."

"Really? Let's just wait and see."

 _4 minutes later:_

"What happen? Where they?"

Holding her hand over her mouth, the Commissar couldn't resist giggling. "So about this magic, when shall I slice your head off?"

"How many school trips will we make more memorable?" Ofjan asked.

Heron took a look around at the screaming infants running around and leaving their skin flakes all over the ancient trolleybuses. "2."

 _Piccadilly Circus:_

The police cars and the van slowly went away, carrying the armoured Counter Terrorism Support constables away, but one car and two regular constables stayed behind. The city was on high alert due to the attempted hijacking on the Docklands Light Railway and the ongoing fight there. The two officers stayed behind to deal with some of the public who had a small problem. "Not there," said a large gentleman with fur, cloven hooves, and a head like a bull. "Shaman will kill us. Can do something?"

"What I can do," said the lead policeman, "is I can give you a 50-90 to say that I've stopped you, and then you can submit that to your superiors as a record of me stopping you."

"Uh?"

 **[Note: The above seen is inspired by/stolen from the _Top Gear_ London Race.]**

 _Covent Garden:_

"Well, I've punched my first Stamper Trail hole and your friends still aren't here," the Commissar told the Bray-Shaman.

"Bloody Minotaurs," said the abomination.

"I like Harry Beck's original Tube Map the most," Ofjan added to the mix.

"I will show Minotaurs what blood-gore really is! Where my Beastmen?"

"Who knows?" Heron said as her hands transported her power sword through the mutant's neck and through his brain & heart. The body, like all those from the 41st Millennium that died, vanished.

"EEEEYYYAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Quite please!" called a staff member.

"Now the Minotaurs have appeared," sighed Heron. "Look, they also have a few Centigors and Ungors."

"I'll get everyone out of here," Ofjan said, knowing that letting the goatish mutants and the drunken 4-legged humanoids could not be allowed to go further.

Ofjan's job was easier than expected, as one of the bull-creatures accidentally brushed against a fire alarm. The blaring sirens guided everyone out in an orderly fashion, or at least guided the schoolchildren out in an orderly fashion. The other members of the public just ran, tripping over trains and stuff.

Refusing to let one Beastman take advantage, Heron tapped her vox caster and pulled out her laspistol and shot several Centigors dead immediately. The braying noise rang around the trams and trains, and focused the mutants on the Imperial humans.

"Hi," Heron said.

"GLORY TO THE EMPEROR!" Ofjan screamed as she ran at the lead Minotaur with her chainsword. The bull-creature, jumping back, raised his axe and charged. "Mutants shall burn!"

Heron too picked her targets, drawing her chainsword and giving yet more creatures a laser bolt to the chest. "COME, MEET YOUR DOOM!"

Furry masses brought down steel cleavers on the humans, while tusks and horns thrust forth, nearly catching the humans several times. Adrenaline messed with everyone and the blood of mutants seeped over the walls, something that would anger the cleaners. Yes the devotees of Terra held firm, but for how long would that last?

A frothing bull-creature burst open and several Ungors fell to a power sword swipe going through all 6 of them. Two giants in black had entered the museum, with the green pauldron of the Dark Angels on one and the red of the Blood Angels on the other. Each Battle Brother then took on two Minotaurs at once and won. That left Heron & Ofjan to finish off the various types of Gors.

"My shoulder's aching a bit," the Priest complained as she watched the bloody remains of the mutants fade off the walls. However, the cleaners would still be furious at the smashed glass everywhere. "So shall we continue the Stamper Trail?"

"We have to get you out of here," the Blood Angel told them. "Quickly, the alert level in this city is at maximum."

The Dark Angel, who did not show his distress at the Chapter's darkest secrets, some of which he didn't know himself, being a basis of a tabletop miniatures game, grabbed both humans and carried them out of a back door. "To use the local system, we're on critical. There's armed police everywhere."

"So can Ofjan & I still have tea at the Ritz?"

"We'll take you as far as Fortnum & Mason."

* * *

Dominic had gone through several sword fights in his time as an Inquisitor but he'd never had to touch out an Oyster Card whilst passing through ticket barriers. Clearly, the adrenaline-crazed lunatic chasing him hadn't done so either. In fact, the Berzerker had forgotten to touch and so had to leap back over, touch out, and then jump back into the fight. For all his might, Dominic's head pounded and his movements were slowing. Kojun still screamed her patron's name and still swiped her chainaxe at the loyalist.

Even as the police arrived with their peashooter Heckler & Koch G36 rifles, the Inquisitor and the Traitor swiped and slashed, none willing to give ground to the other and fail their god.

Dominic hit a crack in the pavement and tumbled. Airborne, Kojun held her axe down and dropped down towards the loyalist...

DAKKA! DAKKA!

Kojun hissed as bolt rounds flew millimetres from her and turned towards the three Grey Knights that had blinked into the fray. The Triquetra had frozen the locals and had meant to freeze the Pink Decimator, but she had broken through their foul sorcery. Her Khornate artifacts also shielded her from the attempt to speed her molecules up and so blow her to bits. "Oh well, I'll kill 3 Space Marines and an Inquisitor at once!"

The Grey Knights closed in, one of them literally flying at her, and jabbed her with their Force Halberds, but the Pink Decimator was one of the fastest and most dextrous beings they'd every come across. She even scored a few hits on the Astartes and the chainaxe carved great ravines.

BANG!

A police officer had fired on the brawl, at who remains unknown. Still nobody fell, until finally Dominic struck a great blow to Kojun's spine. She gasped once and crumpled.

Without waiting, the Grey Knights grabbed Dominic and blinked out.

Once they were gone, Kojun woke up to find police officers and paramedics surrounding her. She immediately got up and ran. Lord Archaon Everchosen said that nobody should harm M3 natives if possible, and who was she to disobey? It was against all her instincts as a Berzerker to run away, but those were her orders. "Curse that medieval fiend."

* * *

Although Dominic managed to go on his helicopter ride in the end, he ordered that the Imperial task force would have to restrict itself to essential travel only during the terror alert. That left Ofjan & Heron stuck in the hotel with other guests, both Avrolanc and M3. They overheard a few people suspect that a religious group called 'Muslims' were involved, while a few suggested 'IRA', 'Remoaners,' and 'Brexshiteers'. If only they knew. Squadron Leader Tenax had called up a video of one of the clerics blamed, Anjem Choudary, and showed it to the Guard. Compared to Ofjan, he was pathetic, but then Earth did not yet have the true god watching over them. Whilst the Order of the Sacred Grove could watch Sister Loqan's _Angel_ boxset, the Avrolanc Blitzkrieg spent the rest of the day trying out the Internet. Was that how the rest of the mission would go?

"We have a target," Heron was able to announce. "It's called Northolt and the Chaos adversary is going en masse. Therefore, so are we."


	4. Chapter 4

At the height of a terror alert so high that those members of the Household Division on guard at Buckingham Palace were dressed in body armour and camouflage rather than red tunics and bearskins, the people of London did not need to see massive leviathans cruising over the sky, but the transport craft of the Black Legion and the Imperial Navy had to get to North-West London and get there fast. Indeed, Northolt, a Middlesex town with a small anti-social behaviour problem was full of armed police and the military, since it contained RAF Northolt, a vital Royal Air Force facility allowing the maintenance of air power over London. 2000 people lived there, a few of them civillians. Who cares? RAF Northolt's runways held the last remaining lead and therefore had the Orb of Power buried underneath them.

Lucius the Eternal was the first to burst out of a vortex of Warp power. Without waiting to hear what the mortals with labels such as 'RAF Police' and 'RAF Regiment' had to say, he walked right past a bus stop and up to the perimeter fence. With no delay to momentum, he crashed through the trees and the metal and through the car park. His helmet- something Archaon had insisted he wore- showed him that there were heat signatures everywhere, all coming to him. No, correction, some were heading away, but these were very few. Perhaps these were the civil servants and contractors.

BANG!

Which fool dared to shoot at the Champion of Slaanesh? Whichever dimwit had chosen to launch a few 5.56mm pebbles found that the giant didn't even break his stride. Someone then tried 7.62 rounds and even got out an 12.7mm M2 Browning Heavy Machine Gun. Lucius still didn't notice, or at least that was what the RAF Regiment thought.

In fact, the Emperor's Child decided to give the mortals something to think about. "Dark Prince, though you are not yet born of Eldar mischief, please get these idiots off my back!"

As the Space Marine continued over grass and roads, 7 clouds of purple smoke burst from his armour's bottom. The force protection units halted as the smoke formed into creatures, creatures who looked a bit like human women but were plain grey except for their violet hair, their violet shins, and their metallic bodices & claws. One of them held a standard with the circular Mark of Slaanesh and another blew a trumpet-thing.

The various Regiment Gunners who were attracted to women were paralysed with shock and had gaping jaws, while those who weren't had the exact same reaction. Everyone found their groin start to ache.

Instead off attacking and slaughtering the mortals, as per the wishes of the Chaos Gods, the Daemonettes began a slow dance that steadily speeded up. Their breasts- all 6 of them in the case of some Neverborn- swayed and their hair flew in the wind.

Lucius was about to reach the runway and the spot where the Orb may be when his feet left the ground and he flew back so far that he almost hit one of the Daemonettes. He shook his head and got up again to see that the Grey Knights had arrived. There was no other option- only when the Imperial force was gone could Lucius and Archeon proceed. It was time to get the army in.

In the Pole Hill Open Space and the Old Abbotstonians Football Club Ground next door, the Chaos Space Marines and the Pink Decimators were the first to emerge, each one armoured and looking for loyalists to slaughter. Next came the Beastmen, from Ungors to Minotaurs. Then came the Fimir, a xenos race of one-eyed amphibians who worship Daemons and are led by females called Meargh. Yellow mist swirled around them. Finally, the Chaos Squats arrived, carrying not just their lasguns but numerous machines of destruction. Foremost was a large cannon crewed by 3 Chaos Dwarfs that seemed to be moving on its own. That was because the fleshy Hellcannon was a Daemon machine, ready to shoot soul energy. Mutant Squats with 4 legs- the Boar-Centuars- pushed forward contraptions bearing hammers and scythes. These were the Tenderisers and the Whirlwinds. At the front was a Daemonsmith, a Squat psyker of Hashut who was slowly turning to stone due to the reaction between Squat physiology and the minor God's warp energy. Observers could see that the Sororitas-like Pink Decimators crowded around the Chaos Squats, and that was because some of that Cult also worshipped Hashut as an aspect of Khorne. A few also worshipped Necoho, God of Atheism, but even they saw him as another part of Khorne, the part that reacts against the nonsense of the other three.

* * *

The Chaos scum may have arrived near RAF Northolt but the Imperium had the good fortune of actually being in RAF Northolt. The Grey Knights had frozen the base and allowed the rest of the Imperial task force to arrive unopposed. When finally released from the immobilisation, the airmen & airwomen froze when they saw their base suddenly occupied by hundreds of armed strangers, some of them gigantic. However, some of them wore what looked like RAF Number 1 uniforms, with blue-grey jackets and trousers/skirts. However, instead of RAF wings on their shoulders, with a crown and 'RAF' in the middle, they wore a 2-headed eagle. Further, some of the strangers wore either tunics and hose or gowns and veils- like 12th century nobles. They certainly carried similar rifles to the RAF's SA80 L85A2s, but some also had glowing guns. Who were these people?

One of the noblewomen marched up to an confused Leading Airwoman and said, "This base is now under the supervision of the Avrolanc Blitzkrieg and the Imperium of Man. Where is Group Captain Carver?"

"Group Captain Carver is away," was the reply. "Who are you and how did you get in here?"

"I am Air Commodore Lapizi. I come with my army, the Angels of Death, some pyromaniacs who can't shut up about whether Spike or Angel is better, and the very psykers who froze you all. We're still waiting for the Inquisitior."

"Is that all?"

"I did have some Catachans but they're gone. One lot were massacred in Kew Gardens by Rubric Marines and the others lost a fight in Oxford Street to some Beastmen."

"And you think we'll just let you take command?"

"I am in command until Dominic gets here. May I suggest you cooperate as we're your best chance of getting out of this with your sanity intact. We are the ones who caused the terror alert to be raised to critical. Us and the army just across the road."

"Oh. Um..."

"Now call a snap inspection and- Hold on, you're just some peasant with no supervisory powers. Could we have an officer here?"

* * *

In came Ofjan & Heron, finally dressed like they were an Ecclesiarchy official and a Departmento Munitorum officer respectively, took a look inside RAF Northolt's billets and were shocked to find that they were quite nice. "Running water, only a few people to a room, how soft," Heron said as she adjusted her cap and cloak.

"Is this a television?" Ofjan asked. Unknown to the RAF, she could see perfectly well through her slave bonnet.

"That is a television, ma'am," said the Airman. "We decide what to watch democratically."

"Demo... Oh my word. No wonder London is so chaotic. Heron, can you believe that this is the world our Imperium was born?"

"What do you watch?" asked a Sacred Grove Celestian.

"Football, rugby, that stuff on Forces TV. Last year, I had to sit through ten weeks of _The Handmaid's Tale_."

"Pardon?" Ofjan demanded, getting so close to the Airman that her bonnet was scraping his forehead.

"It's a US import that's not trash. It's..."

"Shut up, I want to know more about 'Handmaid'."

"You look like you know, ma'am, you're dressed like one."

"Call me Ofjan, not ma'am. Is this regime called Gilead by any chance?"

"Gilead, yep. After enduring those 3 months, I can tell you all about it. Aunts, Marthas, Wives, Commanders..."

"That'll do. And what was the name of the main character?"

"Offred, though she also called herself June."

"Offred. The Of names. Who wrote this?"

"Margaret Attwood."

"Ah, that explains it. On my world, we found the Commanders had a book from M3, _T- Han- Ale_ by M-Att W-D. We called the author Matt Ward."

"And you were a Handmaid, Ofjan? I'd have thought you'd burn that uniform."

"The others did when the Imperium liberated us before the Necrons arrived, but I'd forgotten who I was. Besides, it was easier to recycle this when I became an Imperial Priest, as we can dress in any way provided it looks holy and insane."

Examining the TV, Heron asked, "What other fiction did you watch?"

"Everything, ma'am. _Game of Thrones_ , _Gunsmoke_ , _Battlestar_ _Galactica_ , _'Allo 'Allo_ , _Buffy_."

"Buffy?" asked the Celestian. "How much?"

"The last episode I saw, and I haven't seen much, had a weird scene on a balcony."

To the groans of the Guard officials, the Sister asked, "Can you settle something if possible? Who's better- Angel or Spike?"

"What's this?" Ofjan demanded suddenly. She'd just opened up a locker and taken out a board with letters & numbers all over it.

"A Ouija Board for summoning the dead."

"Is that so?" Ofjan promptly broke the item over her knee. "Celestian, get someone to burn this."

"Is that yours?" Heron asked.

"No, ma'am."

"But you allowed the owner to keep it. This would get you a lot of pain in my army. Unfortunately, I can't execute you,"

"No, ma'am."

"However, I have your mug," the Commissar said as she smashed the thing onto the floor.

"So you're in here too," said an Airwoman who'd just walked in.

"Is this your billet?" Heron asked.

"No, I'm..."

"Stop right there. There is an inspection here for everyone and you are not in your billet. You are late."

"Well, I..."

"If you were one of mine, I'd flog you. In fact, I will flog you."

"I don't live on base!"

"You what?"

"I rent a flat in Edgeware, I have..."

"This is beyond belief," Ofjan said. "How do they stop you deserting?"

"Get outside," Heron told the Airwoman. "Are we sure this is a military base?"

* * *

"What are these abominable mockeries?" Captain Jho calmly enquired. He held in his hand a tiny model humanoid, an armoured soldier with an eagle on the breastplate, large pauldrons, and a huge gun.

"A Primaris Marine, sir," said the Corporal. He and his tabletop miniatures collection were there for all to see.

"This is a Dark Angel," said the Dark Angel. "A Dark Angel Primaris Marine, it- What have you done with our symbol? Each wing has 4 spokes, not 3!"

"3 was easier, sir!"

"Easy! Easy! What other crap do you have in here?"

"What is this?" Jho demanded as he pulled out the bright figure a Stormcast Eternal. "I don't recognise this."

"It's from _Age of Sigmar_ , sir. It's a different game with similar rules. It replaced _Warhammer Fantasy_ , which is where 40k comes from,"

"I see. Hello, Beastmen, Chaos Space Marines, Grey Knights, the lot. We even have a few Orks. No, hang on..."

"They're Black Orcs, from _Fantasy_."

"This foresight is uncanny. Thank you, Corporal, you may put this away."

* * *

"Welcome, my Lord," Ofjan said to the Inquisitor as he stepped down from the Star Raja Land Speeder.

"Good morning Ofjan, Heron and Lapizi. Heron, Ofjan, the enemy is sending the first Beastmen wave now. I have something for the pair of you." In his hand were two Inquisition badges.

"Are we now Inquisitors, my Lord?"

"No, you're Acolytes. You both want to leave the Avrolanc Blitzkrieg and here's your way out. You performed impeccably when alone so I'd value your skills."

"We've armed the garrison," Lapizi said. "Some were reluctant but we encouraged them without doing too much damage."

* * *

The waves of the Hellcannon shrieked over and buzzed a few more Guardsmen & Guardswoman, but the soldiers of the Emperor shoved bayonets still into Beastmen and slashed glowing blades into Minotaurs. In came the Fimir next, marauding right through walls, tanks, and armoured cars. The yellow cloud surrounding them threw shots off target and messed with electronics. When would the Chaos Space Marines attack?


	5. Chapter 5

A red-orange globe with tapping noises in the background gave way to a crowded studio and the caption BBC NEWS. A newsreader in a green dress greeted the cameras with, "Good morning. The RAF is in crisis as one of their most important bases comes under siege in the wake of the terror threat rasied to critical. With London already reeling from an attempted hijacking on the Docklands Light Railway and a fight in Covent Garden, RAF Northolt in West London has today become the third incident in two days."

The screen flashed to the bus stop just outside the car park of RAF Northolt. Explosions, gunfire and screams of 'Tally-ho!' gave the scene ambience but the base itself and the park next door was blurry. A gentleman in a suit said, "Yes, RAF Northolt is under attack from what appears to be reptile cyclopses, walking goats, minotaurs, midgets with beards, Barbie dolls with swords, and lunatic giants. The base has not responded to calls from the Marshal of the RAF and is under a radio blackout. Our observers have noticed that the RAF is fighting back alongside its own lunatic giants but it's not certain what is going on and..."

BOOOOOM!

"I know you can't see this, but a machine made of skulls crewed by the midgets has just shot a glowing light into the air. It's been doing that for the past two hours. If the camera could come here, you'll only see a blur but we can see the Barbie-berzerkers charging into a group of soldiers who look similar except they're dressed for a forest. Further..."

"HEEEYYAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

Grunting and the flapping of wings filled the air. The camera panned up and while the viewers would only see a black blob, the correspondent and the crew could see the truth. A hooded figure in a black robe turned its head to them before guiding its beast away. It was a huge reptile with spiky wings, a lengthy tail, massive jaws, and 2 legs. Then more creatures- some kind of a fell beast- joined in.

"It appears that someone has called for reinforcements. It is amongst many craft coming in. It seems the besiegers have flying forks while whoever is helping the RAF have flying triangles!"

* * *

Back in the studio, the newsreader had gathered several characters that had been in the BBC studio for other reasons, but were willing to talk about the subject at hand. They included a car enthusiast with a music degree, an bespectacled MP from Somerset who did not seem to live in the 21st century, an actress who'd previously appeared in _Doctor Who_ , and a Lecturer in History from the University of Westminster who often taught sexual subjects. "As we know," the newsreader began, "there have been a few incidents in London over the past week. We understand, Dr [REDACTED] that your university is near Oxford Circus and that you witnessed the minotaurs eating the same people who caused a disturbance outside Harrods."

"That's correct, [REDACTED], it was horrible. Those furry beasts just sliced them apart and I am shocked at how the police didn't stop them at Piccadilly Circus. I'll also add that I was visiting the Museum of London the day before and I saw a giant dressed in blue with star from the Flag of Malaysia on the shoulder jump from the ground to the walkway to entrance and then bowl over a red humanoid thing with horns and fur."

"I was at Picadilly Circus too," said the actress, her hand stroking her black hair. "I honesty, [BEEP]ing thought that the [BEEP]ing goat things were just cosplayers but now I've read what's been happening, it's shocking that they got all the way to the London Transport Museum."

"That's a point that's been brought up many times," the newsreader said. "What about you, [REDACTED]?"

"I was outside the Palace of Westminster just yesterday," said the MP, "admiring the glorious sunshine following the rain. I was not expecting a lady dressed in the attire of a Catholic nun of the Incarnate Word to not only wear a miniskirt and dispense with the headgear but to carry a large firearm in such a high security area. I was also amazed that nobody stopped her and that she was allowed to climb onto the statue of Sir Winston Churchill without opposition. I was further amazed to see her use her gun to dig up the lawn and take something out. I am not certain what, but she then vanished."

"I found a right pillock while driving to the Science Museum," said the presenter. "No, correction, I found a group of the midgets your correspondent mentioned and these pink blobs that kept giggling and ruining the atmosphere. I found the school trip to be better behaved and less pesky. In fact, one of those demonic things' tentacle knocked my phone out of my hand."

"Did you say 'cock'?" asked the newsreader.

"What do you think? Of course I said cock!"

The newsreader suddenly gripped her ear. "There's a new development. The gaming company Games Workshop is receiving both criticism and support over the way those responsible for these incidents so resemble their characters. We have a spokeman for the company with from the GW HQ in Nottingham, an artist who worked with the company since the decade they were founded. Good morning, [REDACTED]."

"Hello, [REDACTED], I've been reading the tweets and threads and yes, I notice that my artwork bears a resemblance to the people who've been causing trouble. I can see Space Marines, Imperial Guard, Chaos Dwarves, Fimir, and more."

"Mr [REDACTED], why do you think that these people look like your company's characters?"

"Is this a publicity stunt?" asked the actress.

"Publicity stunt? Ridiculous, we won't even invest in making plastic Sisters of Battle despite the customers correctly demanding we upgrade the range. No, this has nothing to do with us. I should admit however that some far-right groups have taken our content a little too seriously."

* * *

 _RAF Northolt:_

Captain Jho, as befitted his rank, was the first to reach the Chaos Squats and the first bolt rounds blew a few abhumans apart. The Star Rajas saw the Hellcannon, the screeching Daemon Engine, and knocked it over as easily as the Space Wolf knocked over the Routemaster. A few more beardy heretics were crushed. A Battle-Brother fell at the same time, the chainaxes of the feminine Khorne Berzerkers ripping through power armour. "Courage and honour!" Jho called. "Burn the heretic, lah!"

* * *

The Guard could sigh with relief with the Hellcannon gone but the Fimir mist still confounded optical sights and butchered Avrolanc Airmen left, right, and centre. The Meargh and Dirach wizards summoned yet more Daemons. The RAF Regiment, to its credit, held firm better than many Guard regiments when the gigantic blue bird with its staff burst into reality and blew fire everywhere. The Grey Knights were on the Lord of Change instantly. With a base full of Neverborn, Dominic turned his limiter off and all the unholy creatures backed away. A few vanished straight away. Nonetheless, the powers of the Grey Knights still worked and the Lord of Change was also still throwing fire and ice around.

* * *

Lucius realised that nobody was on the runway. It was time. He and Lord Everchosen dashed forward, still ignoring the pop guns of the 3rd Millennium. They didn't need spades, they didn't need drills, all they needed to break through the concrete was star jumps. Every time the Marine and whatever Archaon was made contact with the ground, it split. By the time Heron & Ofjan noticed them, the Orb of Power was in sight. Ofjan, who was in the end a former Handmaid still in costume and a puny mortal like the rest of the Guard, bowled Lucius over and wrestled him on the runway. Heron started her attack on the medieval knight with horns by thrusting at him whilst screaming. Above, the aircraft of Chaos and the Imperium still hammered away at each other, the 2-Leg creatures of Avrolanc knocked over hundreds of Chaos fighters whilst their pilots screamed, and Lapizi disappeared and came back on the back of a black reptile bigger than the Lord of Change- a Night Dragon. Just like the Greater Daemon, the Night Dragon blew fire and ice, but also out of its mouth came green gas eating away at the remaining Chaos Squat machines and at the Chaos Squats in general.

* * *

Once Dominic joined the Grey Knights, they were finally able to banish the Lord of Change back to Tzeentch's library and could now address the new problem- Lucius. Incredibly, Ofjan was still holding the Champion of Slaanesh down and her Handmaid bonnet- her wings- were still on her head. By now, nobody who'd consider killing Lucius, so the Grey Knights signalled Ofjan to let him go whilst they and Dominic jumped on him. Ofjan was now able to help Heron against Archaon Everchosen but she chose instead to pick up the ball rolling out of Lucius' power backpack. "I have the Orb!"

* * *

Finally, the Handmaid-like Order of the Bloody Rose came in from behind and squeezed the Black Legion to a bloody pulp. Despite the dispute over hot vampires and whether it was heretical or holy for some Sisters to consider finding the Emperor and possibly having sex with him, it was clear they'd not lost one bit of fighting skill. It was over. Lucius and Archaon teleported out, leaving the Grey Knights and the Inquisitor to collapse in a heap and Heron's sword swinging so far she also fell over. Once she got up, she saw Lapizi's mount land and the Air Commodore step off. "Victory! Never in the field of human conflict has so much been owed by so many to so few!"

"What about our runway?" asked the Leading Airwoman the Air Commodore had originally spoken to.

"Oh, yes, it's a bit of a wizard prang. No matter. Get the techpriests here, tally-ho!"

Once the runway was repaired, the survivors of the Imperium gathered together for the victory ceremony. Unbeknown to them, Ofjan had picked up a potential lead the Chaos Squats had found in the Victoria & Albert Museum but the Dark Mechanicus had disregarded. Far away back in the 41st Millennium, Lucius and Archaon proudly presented Abaddon with the Orb of Power. Beside the Lord of the Black Legion was the Supreme Skull Champion of the Pink Decimators and the Daemon Prince Mortartion of the Death Guard. All nodded in satisfaction.

It was agreed that the RAF- who were all still alive and healthy- would play their music first, followed by Avrolanc and the Imperial Navy, whose tunes were identical. Unfortunately, once the RAF had finished, it emerged that their march past was also the same. In the end, everyone watched a game of _Warhammer 40,000_ in action. "How surreal to see us that tiny," a Deathwatch Blood Raven said.

"Where have you been anyway?" asked Brother Odoki. "You were gone for days."

"British Library, National Archives, British Museum, every Games Workshop branch in London."

"In armour?"

"Oh yes. You would not believe how many idiots were telling me how my costume was inaccurate."

* * *

At last, it was time to leave Earth and return to the realm of Terra. "This place is so wonderful," said Jho, "apart from the greedy, the racists, the sexists, the homophobes, and the rest. I take consolation in knowing that filth like IS will be defeated soon, lah."

"At least I now know where Gilead got its ideas from," Ofjan said, fingering her Inquisition badge. "Now I'm an Acolyte, should I upgrade by wings and find armour to match my Handmaid dress?"

"How about not wearing the Handmaid dress?" Heron suggested, trying out her jeans and leopard print coat from Liberty, the shop in Regent Street.

"No, not yet. The Emperor's agents may have fixed the horror they inflicted on my clitoris, but... One last shopping trip?"

"One last shopping trip coming up!"

Soon, the Imperial Fleet turned to go. It had been surveying Mars during the mission, whilst the Chaos Fleet had studied Titan. The crew didn't discuss their findings, not even the command crew who'd visited HMS _Belfast_ and the National Maritime Museum, but chose to return to the 41st Millennium immediately. Nobody objected, until the Navigators reported that the Warp portal wasn't opening properly and that they wouldn't make it home.

Dominic realised that his limiter no longer worked. Although a blank would not normally inhibit Warp travel, he wondered if the strain of time travelling back was made worse by his presence. He returned to Earth while the Navy tried again.

"Oh," he said as he realised they'd succeeded. "Well, good luck, Heron & Ofjan. We need people like you. Now, um, taxi!"

* * *

Dominic had always known that his blank nature would come back to bite him. To allow the portal to open, he had to stay. No matter. He was able to reach Nottingham and Games Workshop was eager to have him. As an Inquisitor, he had a broad knowledge of Imperial propaganda and the various methods it used. He'd seen skewed, biased, and even anti-Imperial sounding items. "This is a heretic, a deserter, and another heretic," said the first GW employee.

"Talen is not a deserter, he's a draft-dodger," the Inquisitor explained. "Look, this worked on our children, it'll work on yours."

And so, straight from the 41st Millennium, came _Warhammer Adventures_.


End file.
